I Was Human
by teamJNPR
Summary: Ritsu falls victim to a spiral. A short piece on mental illness, with full warnings inside.


**AN: Trigger warnings for depression, panic attacks, and psychosis. Please don't read if you think this will harm you in any way.**

 **I've rewritten this AN a lot. This is a snippet of what it's like in a spiral. It's very personal to my own past experiences. Not everyone will have had similar experiences, but there's part of me that hopes, if you're in a place to read this safely, that you'll find comfort in the fact you're not alone in this. And maybe, someone will gain a small bit of insight.  
**

 **Again, please don't read if you think this will trigger you. Yes, this is a short piece, but it's based fully in the midst of a spiral.**

* * *

I Was Human

Ritsu couldn't bring himself to look away from the wall. He sat there uselessly against the bottom of his bed, knowing that Gakupo was downstairs. Here, in his blanket, he was safe. Outside were his problems, waiting and salivating like the hungry coyotes they were. But even that safety was a lie. He could feel the panic beginning to eat away at his insides, and if he stopped concentrating on that one particular blank space, he knew it would claim him. So he kept staring, blinking only when he had to.

It didn't matter. In the end, he would have to go downstairs, or Gakupo would come to him. Gakupo wanted to know, wanted to help.

But Ritsu had never wanted him to see this.

Gakupo had known, but he'd never seen it, never experienced the way Ritsu spiralled. Ritsu had naively hoped that it would never happen again, but it had, and here was the fallout. And Ritsu couldn't walk away from this, couldn't burn bridges like he had before.

 _'_ _You're going to end up alone again, you know.'_

 _'Worthless bastard. You never deserved him anyway.'_

 _'Stupid, stupid, stupidstupid.'_

Ritsu couldn't help but laugh at them, disgusted with himself. It'd been a while since they'd been there, the voices in his head. Even thinking of it like that made him smile at himself, a thoroughly broken affair, since what kind of normal person had this? What kind of normal person fell back into places like this? He'd thought he'd seen the bottom of the barrel before, but this? This was a new low.

This time, Gakupo was involved, picking up the pieces. Literally.

Ritsu tried to ignore the fact he'd destroyed most of his kitchen in a fit of rage so animalistic he'd scared himself.

He swallowed, his chest feeling tight. He couldn't breathe, it catching painfully every time he tried to inhale.

Great, Ritsu thought. Gakupo would come up here and catch him like this, face full of streaked tears and mucus, huddling his blanket like a child, shivering.

He could still hear the sounds of his mess getting cleaned up downstairs, though, so Ritsu let out a long breath. He had to focus, ground himself. He had to remember what to do.

It was so difficult, when he didn't feel like he should do it.

' _Don't deserve it.'_

 _'Don't deserve him.'_

He didn't have the energy to tell them to shut up, but even as the thought flitted past, it set them off on a barrage of noise and insults.

Ritsu suddenly realised his hands were bloody. It had spread on to the blanket, dark red on white. Now he'd have to throw it away. Probably for the best, since then he'd have nothing to hold on to.

Gakupo wouldn't want him after this.

Strangely enough, it didn't hurt too badly. He'd been through worse. This would heal, like all the others.

' _Remember when you thought we were gone?'_ Now that voice was familiar, and it sent a seething dread through his veins like ice water. Sachiko, he'd called her. ' _We're never going to leave you again. The time before was the last, and I especially will be with you always. Gakupo will leave before he ever sees you hanging.'_

Ritsu brought himself back after a few moments of blank staring. He thought of a remote control, pressing the volume button down.

' _You think that's going to work with me? There's nothing you can do. I am here, always, always here.'_

 _Always_ echoed around Ritsu's head in Sachiko's voice, and the others started to copy, filling his head, his ears. He had an urge to be sick, cold shudders running through him violently. There was no rhyme, no reason to this. Why did it have to be him?

Ritsu knew the answer to that question. It didn't make him feel any better.

There were footsteps on the stairs. Every one brought Gakupo closer to him, and Ritsu could feel the now familiar terror icing up his insides. He couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't bear the thought of that kind, gentle smile Gakupo always wore around him. He didn't deserve it, he didn't-

' _You don't, you don't, don't deserve it, not him.'_

And the he was there, kneeling in front of him, not touching (he _remembered)_ because he knew not to, because Ritsu was a coward, he was a stupid coward and-

'Hey.'

It was the first normal voice Ritsu had heard all day, and the tears, oh, look, there they were.

'I-' Ritsu's voice came out as a croak.

'You don't have to explain anything. Just know I'm here. We'll get you through this, okay? Is there anything I can do right now to help?'

'Just… stay here. Please just stay here.'

Gakupo smiled, and although Ritsu could see the restrained fear, the uncertainty behind his eyes, it was… okay. He was here, he wasn't running away. Not yet.

Not yet.

'Your hands,' Gakupo said quietly. 'Let's get you up and wash them, yeah?'

'I – I can't,' Ritsu managed to get out.

'We'll do it slowly. You remember those breathing exercises, right? That's it. Put your hands by your sides, put your feet flat on the floor...'

Gakupo guided him through it, and the noise, the hurt crawling through him like sludge, it lessened ever so slightly. He guided him to the bathroom, and there, they washed the blood off his hands, and the cuts looked so miniscule that they could leave them without bandages. They wouldn't scar.

There would be no reminders of this day on Ritsu's skin.

But Gakupo was here. He knew. Ritsu gripped the edge of the sink.

For now, Ritsu wouldn't ask him whether he'd eventually leave. He just fell into Gakupo's arms and was held.

This was what he needed, what he wanted right now.

Questions could come later.

For now, he was safe.


End file.
